I crashed the party right before it ended and didn’t move.  Soon the host had passed out and all the guests had gone home, save for the old man.

 

He was conspicuous within the crowd; well over six feet tall to begin with, he was bald yet maintained a long, scraggly white beard with no moustache.  Definitely not your average college student, though his intake of wine was considerable.

 

When did they start serving wine at frat parties?  I asked him.  He gave a lengthy explanation of unnecessary length, but it satisfied me.  In turn, I explained the fancy we held for kegs and bottles.  I employed brevity, but did digress with lewd alternate uses for empties.

 

“We had reports of an old man and a young man crashing a party”, The policeman said, walking through the open door.

 

“Sir, there could me no more absurd a complaint!”, I replied, “We were invited here by the host!”  I raised my chin, taking a firm stance against the onslaught of questions that was sure to come.

 

“I’m sorry, but I’ll have to ask to speak to the host in that case.”  The policeman responded as I would have expected, but without great force.

 

“You may ask to speak to the host whenever you wish, but he cannot come speak to you.  He has fallen ill from the activities of the evening.”  As if to strengthen my point, a low moan and a flush issued from places unknown.

 

“In that case I won’t ask, but you are foolish to think such an explanation would be sufficient.  Now I will ask you to leave the premises.”  Again, not exactly a firm order from an officer of the law, and besides, his style of preparing you for his future questions irritated me.

 

“I’m sorry sir, we cannot leave, and you cannot speak to the host.  Both are simply impossible.  Even disregarding the fact that we must help the host clean up in the morning, we are his guests and have no other lodgings.  Furthermore, he, the host with whom you wish to speak, would be appalled to find that we, his guests, were forcefully removed from his own residence.”  I could see the officer muddling through the implications as I spoke.  He seemed to draw together his reserves before he spoke, giving us a cunning look.

 

“We would be able to provide lodgings for you down at the station.”

 

“Hah!  Forgive my impudence, but I absolutely refuse to acknowledge this ridiculous claim that we have crashed a party here.”  I said this gesturing to the old man, who until this moment had been smoking a cigar, ignoring the issue before him.  He rose up to stand beside me and nodded once to demonstrate his allegiance to my position.  “Who made this claim against us?” I continued, “It must be a mistake, for this was not the only old man at the party, nor was I the only young man.  Additionally, you must acknowledge that we may have enemies here who would wish us removed from our pleasant lodgings and thrown in jail.  Enemies who would falsify a complaint about party crashers.”

 

“It doesn’t matter to me what enemies you have, and the report came directly from your host whom you say will vouch for you.  Unless you produce him, I will have to abide by his last known wishes and deport you from this house.”  As the official spoke, the old man edged towards him until his beard just graced the top of the smaller man’s head.  To this effect the officer was speaking into my friend’s chest, completely ruining the urgency of his words.

 

I made my way towards the kitchen, thereby removing my friend’s back from the line of sight to the policeman’s eyes.  I looked at him directly and said forcefully, “We must go see to the host, our friend.  As I said, he is ill and must be seen to.  If you wish to pursue this matter, I can only advise that you wait until morning and return when we are all rested.  Then this matter can be cleared up to all our satisfaction.”

 

“Would you let me use the phone, for a moment?”

 

“Certainly”, I permitted, knowing the host could not mind.

 

As the officer used the phone in the kitchen, the old man and I made as if to confer in the living room.  In reality, we slipped out a window and drove off in the cop car.  The noises of the host’s retching haunt us to this day.