I ran on the treadmill until I lost track of time. As usual I passed out and was rapidly conveyed backwards into the closet where I laid for many hours. Damn this workout was rough, but it left me in a fairer state of mind.

Spontaneously, I leapt up and grabbed a cold one from the fridge, sitting at my desk to consider the day's activities. It would be an hour yet before my secretary arrived, so I drew a magnificent portrait of Berlin moments before the wall fell. Eventually she did arrive, doting over me until I insisted she leave and bring me my first appointment.

My first appointment walked in precisely on time, receiving my exuberant welcome: "Get the hell out of here you ugly cunt!" Her face was so difficult to look at that my nuts nearly fell out of their sack and rolled about the room.

"Jesus Christ!" Now I spoke to my secretary via the telephone, "Don't let another one of those fugly bitches into my sight again today! Dismiss all my ugly appointments and send in the rest all at once!"

"Yes sir. Also, Mr. Reynolds called. He asked that you appear in court in his place tomorrow", she said, irritating me.

"Thanks Marie. Call Reynolds back and tell him I'll be there, but he owes me one; remember what happened with the last judge."

Damn. Reynolds again. That bastard knew I'd do it, but I had good-looking people to interview! Necessarily, a beautiful woman walked into my office, followed by eleven more people of varying sexes and races. I pretended to be preoccupied, shuffling papers in false anguish.

"Sit, sit", I muttered, waving my hand absently at the chairs in the room, absorbing myself in fiscal data.

A few minutes later, after everyone was good and unsettled, I looked critically about the room at the applicants. Standing up, I began my speech:

"I'm glad you're all here. It's excellent that I find none of you repulsive! Do you see my treadmill, there, in the corner? We are currently preparing an ad campaign for the company that manufactures those. Each day! Each day, I run on that treadmill and each day I pass out, being flung backwards into the closet you see there! To all of you, this is meaningless and ridiculous, but any of you who would do no less for me…"

Fuck. I forgot what I was trying to say. Maintaining my air of superiority and indignance, I pointed at the man nearest me and demanded, "You! What is your name?"

"John Q. Public?" He inquired, as if I would know.

Someone piped up from behind me: "Liar!"

I flung myself around to face the accuser. Five guilty faces looked back at me.

I returned to John Q. and asked: "Really?"

He said, "No."

I said, "Well.."

He said sorry and left rapidly, forgetting his briefcase. I tossed it out the window offhandedly.

"He'll probably need that."

I was continuing with my speech when suddenly the so-called Mister Public waltzed back into my office. Waltzing is not to be done by a man unescorted, so I leapt upon him and we danced for a moment. He pulled away, apologized, asked, and got a response:

"I'm sorry, did I leave my briefcase here?"

"No."

"Are you quite certain?"

"Yes."

"Liar!" Again, a muttered accusation from across the room. This time aimed at me!

"Enough. This interview is over! You!" I pointed at the first Asian I saw, "You're hired because you are Asian. Affirmative action in action-packed action. The rest of you, leave with briefcase-boy!"

They did as I wished, the Asian man remaining behind for some unfathomable reason. "Fuck! Get to work then!"

Off he went, curiously looking about as if he had never been introduced to the ideas surrounding office buildings.

"Marie!", I cried, jabbing at the telephone, "MARIE!"

She came to the doorway with the Asian man peering over her shoulder.

"GET TO WORK!", I commanded him. He disappeared vertically, as if quickly sinking into my secretary's ample bottom.

"Marie", I continued, "Could you please get me a large cup of extra-strength coffee?" As I said Extra-Strength I made the 'pour some damn methamphetamines into my coffee' motion and she winked, giving me the thumbs up. She was a damn fine secretary and hip to what was going on. The fact that she had an Asian man of large stature riding in her boot made her even more attractive to me.

Now I could begin my day in earnest.